


Would You Miss Me When I'm Gone?

by CosplayAdventures



Series: Moonlight Heart [1]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Depressed Oikawa Tooru, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Multi, Panic Attacks, Sad Oikawa Tooru, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Suicide, tw
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-28
Updated: 2019-08-28
Packaged: 2020-09-28 08:55:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,814
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20423279
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CosplayAdventures/pseuds/CosplayAdventures
Summary: "Would you miss me when I'm gone, Iwa-chan?" Oikawa grinned but it didn't reach his eyes.Iwaizumi scoffed, nudging Oikawa's shoulder. "Who would miss someone like you, trashykawa?"Iwaizumi meant it as a joke, but Oikawa didn't see it as one.Song Fic: Her Last Words- Courtney Parker





	Would You Miss Me When I'm Gone?

**Author's Note:**

> If suicide or any of the disorders mentioned in the tags are a severe trigger of yours, then please don't read!  
Also, the lyrics are slightly changed to better fit the story. It's not major changes. "She" turned into "Him" and so on so fourth. You'll see what I mean if you read.

**Just an average boy,** **he always wore a smile. **

**He was cheerful and happy for a short while.**

**000**

Oikawa always wore a smile on his face. It was his natural default mode by now even when he was sad. 

He didn't know when or why he started feeling so numb to everything-he guessed it started in middle school when he realized that he'd never be good enough no matter how hard he practiced. His knee was the testament to that, but he didn't want anyone to see that side of him. It made him disgusting, something that wasn't perfect. 

So he put up a front. 

All he had to do was smile or do something stupid and everyone would leave him be. Even his best friend.

**000**

**Now he's getting older, things are getting colder.**

**Life's not what he thought, he wished someone had told him.**

**000**

Cold wind swept Oikawa's bangs out of his face as he sat on the swings in the park. Oikawa breathed out a puff of air, letting it fog up in front of him. It was winter now. The cold air stung his bare arms and legs-he had left his home in his Pajama shorts and shirt-but he hardly let that phase him when so many thoughts occupied his mind.

Aoba Johsai had lost their final match. He had failed his team, and he wouldn't be playing with them ever again. It was over. He wasn't going to be able to beat Ushijima or Kageyama. He was going to graduate soon; all his hard work became meaningless now. The truth of those words pierced Oikawa so sharply that it had left him breathless. He bowed forward, hand clutching his chest as he let the tears he's been holding back fall free. It hurt, it hurt, it hurt. It wasn't fair. He worked so hard!

Oikawa sobbed. He wouldn't be able to play with Iwaizumi or Hanamaki, Matsukawa, Yahaba, Mad Dog-chan...no one. He was going to go to university and grow up to be a responsible adult like his parents wanted him to be. He wasn't ready. He still wanted to play with his team. He wanted to go to nationals and prove just how good he was-how much he improved. But he wasn't dumb either. It was pointless to make wishes that never came true.

With a numb heart, he wiped his tears away and went back home.

**000**

**He told you he was down, you let it slip by**

**So from then on he kept it on the inside.**

**000**

"Would you miss me when I'm gone, Iwa-chan?" Oikawa grinned but it didn't reach his eyes.

They were heading back home from school. They couldn't go to practice anymore since the coach wanted them to prepare properly for their college exams. It didn't mean that they didn't try to sneak by and give advice to the first and second years. Oikawa didn't want to leave.

Iwaizumi scoffed, nudging Oikawa's shoulder. "Who would miss someone like you, Trashykawa?" He let a smirk form on his lips, "If anything, we should celebrate. Everyone will be happy that your annoying ass will be leaving. I know I'm happy to get my own dorm. If I had to live with you, I think I might just kill myself."

Iwaizumi had meant it as a joke, but Oikawa didn't see it as one.

So he had laughed it off saying, "Mean, Iwa-chan! Mean!"

**000**

**He told himself he was alright, but he was telling white lies.**

**Can't you tell, look at his dull eyes.**

**Tried to stop himself from crying every night, but he knew there was no chance of feeling alright.**

**000**

Oikawa kept telling himself that everything was going to be alright. Things were going to get better. Even if Iwaizumi was going to a different college than him, they could still skype and hang out on the weekends. Iwaizumi had even agreed that that was a good idea. They were best friends, Iwaizumi had told him. A two hour difference wasn't going to change that. Neither were Oikawa's feelings apparently.

Oikawa had recently learned of his feeling after there was a distance between Iwaizumi and himself. Iwaizumi had been a constant all Oikawa's life, and he never imagined that things would have changed after high school. Honestly, he had expected Iwaizumi to go to the same college as him. That's what they both had agreed on when they were first years, but Iwaizumi had changed his mind in the end. He had said something like, "I think it's better if we have some distance between us to get a feel of what it's like." or "We're adults now. We don't have to keep depending on each other anymore." He couldn't remember the exact words, but those words had broken Oikawa.

Now more so now than ever. He needed Iwaizumi. Oikawa was nothing without him, and he didn't think he could last another second in this silent dorm room. 

His room mate had asked if he wanted to join some party that his "best bro" was hosting, but Oikawa hadn't been in the mood to go. He could feel a heavy weight settle against his chest, and he wanted his room mate to leave before it got any worse. Oikawa had joked off his room mates keen gaze by exclaiming, "I wouldn't want to take your spot light with my fabulous self. Besides," He snickered. "I wouldn't want to be seen with some with a rats nest for a hair style." His room mate had gasped dramatically, placing his hand over his heart. "I'm wounded, Oikawa. Wounded!" Their banter had only lasted 3 minutes before Oikawa suggested his room mate leave before he was late.

Now, Oikawa found himself in his bathroom curled on his floor and gasping for breath. His panic attack had been creeping up on him since he woke up that morning. It always started with a heavy weight settling on his chest and needle pricks at the tips of his fingers until it began spreading through out his body. The attack would always take hours to form, until it was all he could focus on. He should be used to it, really. It happened so often, but he wasn't because even though he was aware that he was going to have an attack, he didn't know _when _it would start. It happened so randomly that he started to become scared of being found out. His mask could only fool a person for so long before someone started noticing. He was just glad that his room mate left before it actually started; he didn't have the energy to deal with any pity or concern. He was _fine._

Oikawa trembled harder as he forced himself up into a sitting position. He wanted this weight in his chest to go away. It hurt, it hurt, _it hurt_. He wheezed, forcing his shaking hands to pull out the blade hidden under one of his skin care bottles. Oikawa knew that Kuroo, his room mate, didn't care much for that sort of thing, so Oikawa didn't worry about his blades being found. Oikawa breathed in deeply, holding his breath until it made him dizzy before blowing it all out. It didn't help; his chest still hurt.

When he couldn't get out of his panic fueled state, cutting had always made him feel better. It distracted his mind from the fact that he _couldn't breathe_, that his body was tingling with tension, that he was so _so tired. _The sting of the blade gliding across his wrist gave him a temperary reprieve from his thoughts. It made all the tension drain from his body like the blood on his wrist. Until all he could feel was a numbing satisfaction and a empty mind. It wouldn't last long, he knew. Just a couple hours until the next attack. A day if he was lucky. So, he cut a few more times until all he could focus on was the sting in his arm.

Oikawa guessed it was a good thing he didn't have to play volley ball any more because of his knee. It made it easier to hide what he was doing to himself. Oikawa sat there, staring blankly at his bloodied arm before dragging himself into the shower. He didn't want the blood to stain the bathroom floor after all.

**000**

**Summer came along, all he wore was long sleeves 'cause those cuts on his wrists were bleeding through, you see.**

**He knew he was depressed, didn't want to admit it. **

**Didn't think he would fit it, everyone seemed to miss it.**

**He carried on like a soldier with a battle wound, bleeding out from every cut his body consumed.**

**000**

"Why are you wearing long sleeves in this heat?" Iwaizumi scowled, glaring at the shirt as if it personally offended him.

"No kidding, just looking at you is getting me all hot." Matsukawa added, Hanamaki nodding along while they sat in front of the fan.

The four of them had decided to meet up at Matsu and Makki's place for summer break. They hadn't seen each other in months since they were all busy with school and work. Sure, they skyped here and there but it just wasn't the same.

Oikawa laughed, "I can't help it if you get all hot and bothered by my looks. I'm naturally hot!" Oikawa sat on the arm chair across from the couple, Iwaizumi sprawled on the floor with a paper fan in hand. It was hot that day, Oikawa knew that. He was practically boiling in his shirt; he was so tempted to just tear the warm clothing off his body right then and there, but he didn't want his friends to see that scars that littered his arms and legs. It was his problem to deal with not theirs. Oikawa was dealing with his problems just fine. He knew when to stop. It wasn't like he was addicted to cutting or anything. He wasn't depressed enough for that-actually he wasn't depressed _at all. _Sure, he got stressed at times and he couldn't handle it, but he knew that cutting was only a temporary reprieve to feel better. It helped him. That didn't make him depressed, right? There were a lot of things that went into the definition of depression, and he didn't match that list of symptoms at all.

They trio groaned at Oikawa's joke, not finding it amazing at all. Iwaizumi threw his paper fan at Oikawa, hitting him square in the face. Oikawa yelped, hands flying to his forehead. "So mean to me, Iwa-chan!" Hanamaki and Matsukawa burst into laughter, clutching onto their sides. Oikawa let a smile quirk his lips up, warmth blossoming in his chest. He really missed this.

**000**

**He had no friends at school, all alone he sat.**

**And if someone were to notice, he would blame the cat.**

**But those cuts on his wrist were no mistake, but no one cared enough to save him from this self hate.**

**Things were going down, never really up. Here he is now stuck in this stupid rut.**

**He knew exactly what he had to do next, just stand on the and tie the rope around his neck.**

**000**

Oikawa sat alone on one of the benches outside the cafeteria. The air was getting colder the closer winter came, but he didn't really care anymore. It wasn't like anyone else did anyway. Oikawa was constantly on his own, popularity dwindling to practically zero now that he wasn't famous for his volley ball skills. Oikawa had practically given up on his looks all together now that he had no one to impress. He was always ugly any way. Not muscular enough to fit in with the rest of the athletes, too average looking with his brown hair and eyes, practically covered in scars now, and don't get him started on his glasses. It was the worse quality about him even though Iwaizumi had told him that he should wear it more often. He really wanted to believe that Iwaizumi thought that at least something about him was attractive, but he couldn't see it himself. He just saw this disgusting person staring back at him in the mirror.

What else was there for him to offer to this world?

Nothing.

**000**

**He wrote a letter with his hands shaking wild, "Look at me now are you proud of your precious child?"**

**But he knew his parents weren't the ones to blame, it was the world that should bow it's head in shame.**

**He stood up on the chair and looked out at the moon, just don't think it'll all be over soon.**

**The chair fell down as he took his final breath, it's all over all gone, now he's greeting death.**

**000**

Oikawa just couldn't handle it any more. His attacks had gotten worse and cutting just wasn't working anymore. Oikawa sobbed and screamed, frustration building as he punched his bed. It was just _too much. _He wanted everything to end already. 

He needed Iwaizumi.

He grabbed his phone, tears blurring his vision as he searched for Iwaizumi's name. He pressed the call button._"_

The phone rang for a couple minutes before Iwaizumi's gruff voice appeared. "You've reach Iwaizumi Hajime. Sorry I can't talk right now, leave a message and I'll get back to you shortly." It was so professional and unlike the Iwaizumi Oikawa was used to. He missed him. He needed him. Oikawa let out a strained sob as he heard the beep of the voicemail.

"Hajime, please. I can't-" He let out a strangled gasp, "I can't do this on my own anymore. I need you..." The tears burned in his eyes. "I don't know what to do..._please!" _Oikawa knew Iwaizumi couldn't actually hear him. How could he when he was probably asleep right now? It was 3 in the morning after all. "I-I-I don't know how to make this better...I think it's too late for me." Oikawa let out a watery laugh. "I don't think I'll be able to last long now...I can't handle this anymore. It hurts..." Oikawa sniffled, tears streaming down his face. Oikawa shuffled out of his bed, legs trembling as his eyes landed on the rope he tied to his bedroom fan on the ceiling. "I just wanted you to know how much I love you..." his voice shook. It was his first time admitting it out loud. The admission made his chest hurt even more. 

Oikawa held back a sob. "I'm sorry, Iwa-chan."

**000**

**His friend walks in the room, he falls down to the floor, and now nothing can take back what he just saw.**

**The little boy he was raised with is just hanging there,** **his body's pale and his face is violently bare.**

**He sees the note and unfolds it with care, all he does is stare**,****

**"How can this be fair?" He starts reading as tears roll down his face.**

**000**

Iwaizumi woke up three hours after the call, yawning as he stretches his body. He had class in an 2 hours, but he always woke up early for a morning jog. He went to the bathroom to shower and get ready for the day, shaking off the lethargy of sleep. Iwaizumi was honestly excited for the day. He was going to visit Oikawa that evening to head to this cafe he found while on one of his morning jogs. He planned on confessing to his best friend there. He figured Oikawa would be happy considering he's a nerdy romantic at heart. Iwaizumi grinned to himself.

While changing into his running attire, he noticed his phone blinking. He must have gotten a voicemail. With a shrug, he grabbed his phone and house keys, heading out the door. He put in his ear buds before checking his voicemail. He froze. It was from Oikawa. What was he doing up that early? Did he go out drinking and tried to call him while drunk? Iwaizumi scoffed, pressing the play button so he could listen to whatever nonsense Oikawa called him for.

_"Hajime, Please. I can't-" _Iwaizumi froze again, dread pooling into his stomach at the sound of his best friends voice. He's never heard Oikawa sound like this before, not even when Oikawa was told he wouldn't be able to play volley ball anymore. _"I can't do this on my own anymore. I need you..." _Iwaizumi's heart began beating on overdrive. What? _What__? _Iwaizumi was running before his thoughts could process what he was doing. Oikawa's voice continued to speak into his ears. _"I don't know what to do...please! I-I-I don't know how to make this better...I think it's too late for me." _Iwaizumi heard Oikawa laugh on the other end. It just sounded so _wrong _coming out of Oikawa's mouth. _"I don't think I'll be able to last long...I can't handle this anymore. It hurts..." _Iwaizumi heard Oikawa sniffle before he heard some shuffling around. Iwaizumi was trembling, speeding up into a sprint. Why did he decide to live so far away again? What was he thinking? He felt like the worlds biggest idiot. "Fuck!" He cursed, running straight into the train. He didn't care whether he was shoving people out of his way or not. He just had to get to Oikawa before it was too late.

_"I just wanted you to know how much I love you..." _Iwaizumi's heart stopped before beating even faster than before. He couldn't breathe, his body was trembling. Oikawa loved him back. He loved him back, he loved him. God, why did he take so long to confess? If Iwaizumi had confessed sooner would things have been different? Would Oikawa still be happy? _"I'm sorry, Iwa-chan." _

Iwaizumi's eyes burned. "Fuck," he croaked. What did Oikawa do? What did he do?! Please, please, please don't do anything stupid. _Please. _

Iwaizumi called Oikawa's phone, pushing his way out of the train when his stop arrive. "Pick up the phone, Shittykawa. Fuck," Iwaizumi cursed, adrenaline making him run faster. 

When Oikawa didn't pick up by the fifth time, he decided to call someone else.

"Yo, Iwaizumi my man!" Kuroo answered. Iwaizumi could practically hear the grin in Kuroos voice. Iwaizumi didn't have the patience right now for Kuroos crap. "Are you with Oikawa??" There was shuffling on the other line before Iwaizumi heard a door close. "No. I'm at Kenma's place. Why?" Iwaizumi speed pass a group of rowdy teenagers, ignoring their yells of annoyance. "Something's happened!" Iwaizumi was practically panicking by this point. "Oikawa called this morning, but I had my phone on mute. I was tired and I didn't want to deal with any bullshit-" He was almost at Oikawa's dorm. "Fuck! What if he did something stupid?!" Kuroo cursed and there was more shuffling. "Fuck, okay. Calm down. I'm a few blocks from the dorm, but I can drive there in no time. Where are you?"

"I'm heading into the dormitory now." He replied.

"Okay," Kuroo breathed deeply. "Okay. I'll be there in 5 minutes. Don't do anything stupid, Iwaizumi." Iwaizumi would have scoffed if it were any other situation. He didn't know what he was going to do if he thinks Oikawa did what's crossing Iwaizumi's mind right now. He hung up the phone.

Iwaizumi took the steps two at a time, reaching the 3rd floor within minutes. He didn't have anymore time to waste. It didn't take long for Iwaizumi to find Oikawa's dorm room. He had visited so many times that it had practically became muscle memory. Iwaizumi paused at the door, heart beating erratically and hands trembling. Iwaizumi wasn't sure if he was ready for what waited on the other side. He knew, deep down, what waited for him. It made tears spring to his eyes and a lump form in his throat.

He grabbed the handle of the door and pushed. It was unlocked. What greeted him made him walk right back out and vomit in the hallway. Oikawa was just _hanging _there. Iwaizumi dropped to his knees, hands gripping his hair and eyes squeezed shut. He couldn't breathe, his chest hurt. He couldn't do this, he couldn't look at the love of his life hanging there. Dead. Iwaizumi choked. _Dead. _Oikawa was dead. Iwaizumi couldn't save him. He was too late. It was his fault. Oh god, why did this have to happen? It wasn't fair. Oikawa was a good person. He didn't deserve this. Iwaizumi should have _been there. _

Iwaizumi flinched when he felt someone grip his shoulder, his head reeling back.

It was Kuroo. Kuroo's eyes were narrowed solemnly, lips formed into a thin line. "I'll call the police...here." Kuroo gave him a folded piece of paper. Iwaizumi stared at it blankly. "It's from Oikawa. It has your name on it..." Kuroo left him at that, phone in hand and solemn frown permanently etched into his sharp features.

Iwaizumi opened up the paper slowly, hands shaking.

**000**

**I'm sorry Iwaizumi, but this world is just not my place, I've tried for so long to fix this and fit in. I've come to realise this world's full of sin, there's nothing for me here, I'm just a waste of space. I've got no reason to stay here with this awful race.**

**It's a disgrace, I was misplaced. Born in the wrong time and in the wrong place. It's okay though, 'cause you'll see me soon. You'll know when your time has come, just look at the moon. As it shines bright, thoughout the night, and remember everyone's facing there own fights. But I can't deal with this pain, I'm not a fighter. You'll make it through the night, just hug your pillow tighter. So let the world know that I died in vain because the world around me is the one to blame, and I know in a year you'll forget I'm gone 'cause I'm not really something to be dwelled on.**

**That's what they used to tell me, all those kids in school, so I'm going by the law majority rules. My presence on this earth is not needed any longer, and if anything I hope this makes you stronger.**

**You're the best friend that I ever had, such a shame I had to make you so very sad. Just remember that you meant everything to me and to my heart, you're the only one that held the key. Now it's time to go, I'm running out of space to write. And yes, I lost my fight but please just hold on tight. I'm watching over you from the clouds above and sending down the purest and whitest dove to watch over you and be my helpful eye. So this is it world...**

**Goodbye.**

**Author's Note:**

> Technically, this was going to be a whole different story where Oikawa lost himself in his depression but Iwaizumi saved him. But then this song came up while I was writing, and I just froze and listened to the lyrics. Then, I was like, "GASP. THIS IS BETTER FOR OIKAWA." It's not. I don't normally do sad endings because I am not that cruel to my poor heart, but my brain slapped me and decided that no, there won't be any happy endings this time. Suffer. So...I deleted allllll my hard work and came up with this on the spot. TA-DA...I'm sorry TT-TT


End file.
